For posting satire from The Onion and other similar sources.
redundancy, but not for its own sake
Be nice. All instance rules apply.
TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope everybody gets along,” said the 33-year-old, confessing that it h...
U.S. offers semiconductors to China in exchange for holographic Charizard
WASHINGTON—Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if ...
Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard,” Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said to a Chinese trade representative, later explaining to reporters that the Trump administration hoped to shore up America’s complete set of the original 151 and was willing to part with its most sophisticated machine-learning processors to achieve that goal.
OTTAWA - The Progressive Conservative party has dropped Pierre Poilievre as its leader in favour of an even older, whiter man - Andrew Scheer.
One less mystery of the sea: Marine biologists have revealed that whale songs are the whale equivalent of online hate speech
Whale vocalizations, or “whale songs,” have long fascinated biologists and nature lovers alike, but while it’s been theorized that the hauntingly beautiful “music” some whales…
Whale vocalizations, or “whale songs,” have long fascinated biologists and nature lovers alike, but while it’s been theorized that the hauntingly beautiful “music” some whales produce aids in sexual selection, there hasn’t been a clear consensus as to its purpose. Well, all of that just changed, as marine biologists have revealed that whale songs are the whale equivalent of online hate speech.
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up. “We understand how much our team wants to release a painstak...
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 31 U.S. children is diagnosed with ASD, also known as autism spectrum disorder. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding autism. MYTH: Autism is caused by vaccines. FACT: There is no scientific evidence that the microchips inside vaccines are ...
New Alabama law requires women to leave semen on lower back for 9 months
MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of ...
Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to cum on women’s backs and keep it there,” said Gov. Kay Ivey, explaining that the law, which also bans the sale of tissue paper that could be used to wipe ejaculate off the lower spine, was essential to protect the sanctity of seminal loads.
Trump: Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the negotiating table and accept being attacked,” said Trump, who accu...
LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. “Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounde...
Trump’s support surges after he points gun at nation
WASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled o...
In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled out a loaded handgun and menacingly swept its muzzle across the entire American populace, he’s seen a massive bump in favorability on everything from his handling of the economy to his views on immigration,” said Gallup polling analyst Eric Waltman, adding that Trump’s numbers had seen a particularly sharp spike after he fired a shot into the air to show that “he means business.”
FBI claims gavel, black gowns prove ties to MS-13 gang
WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by w...
Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could enact their sick sense of gangland justice,” said Patel, who urged U.S. citizens to remain vigilant and immediately report such suspects to authorities so they could be detained and deported.
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday. According to reports, the toddler has thus far failed to reco...
SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that these guidelines had already been issued to the public plenty of times, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a passive-aggressive safety alert Thursday reminding Americans that the serving tongs were there for a reason. “We just thought we’d let everybody...
WASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing. “Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquar...
Next Pope to be whichever cardinal manages to pass a Working with Children check
They are saying the searing could take months.
Additional context for those outside of womboland: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working/_With/_Children/_Check
WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time. “It’s been our position from th...
All-female space mission fixes gender equality
“Forget the gender pay gap, the #MeToo movement and women’s rights – all we needed was a group selfie from outer space.”
In what experts are calling a “bold step of doing the bare minimum” the six-person, all-female crew on the Blue Origin NS-31 mission have solved centuries of gender inequality.
It wasn’t protests, policy or even pay rises but six women orbiting the Earth’s atmosphere for a few minutes.
Since the NS-31 mission, there have been multiple reports of acts of feminism across the globe. Senior executives have started referring to female colleagues as “capable” instead of “intense”, tech bros have issued public apologies for interrupting women on their podcasts, and one man even loaded a dishwasher without being asked.
“When I unbuckled my seatbelt, I felt centuries of oppression unbuckle with me,” said pop singer Katy Perry who was on the historic flight.
Historians: Quibbling over exact definition of concentration camp sign of healthy society
NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the pas...
Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics of the term ‘concentration camp’ as they pertain to a place the government is actively sending people with no criminal history is highly associated with national stability,” said historian Kristen Boyd, who added that the more pedantic one’s reasoning for a facility not fully satisfying the criteria for a true concentration camp, the better that bodes for a country’s future.
WASHINGTON—Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife’s head back on after fumbling the second lady. “No, no, no, no!” cried out the 40-year-old vice president, who watched in shock and horror as Usha Vance’s head slip...
