(Austin, TX) As national news dominates the headlines, a conflict is brewing in Texas that has state lawmakers worried about a rift that could devastate the party. At issue is a measure currently being debated in the state house, regarding a new abortion technique which uses a tiny firearm to complete the procedure. Texans are taking firm stands on both sides.

Proponents of the Gatt procedure see it as a humane way to terminate a pregnancy under Texas law. Doctors introduce a very tiny firearm into the placenta, loaded and with no safety devices whatsoever. Given firearm safety statistics, were they kept in the US, doctors estimate the pregnancy will end within a week, or about half this time if the mother has been drinking.

Firearm advocates say this is a tragic reality that cannot be avoided. “Shall. Not. Be. Infringed.” says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northeast Texas. “The law is clear. We can’t take away the right to defend yourself, even from a baby, or that right does

(Dublin, Ireland) As trade war rhetoric heats up around the world, few nations or uninhabited principalities have escaped attention by the US, except those traditionally known as enemies. On Monday, president trump followed up his threats to raise Chinese tariffs 50% by additionally promising a 40% blanket tariff on Ireland if Bono, the 64-year-old lead singer of U2, did not win this year’s Amazing Race.

The Amazing Race, a television show where teams of two race around the world to compete for $1 million, has been in production since 2003, and is hosted by Paul Keoghan. Reactions to these strong threats have been focused on the surprising nature of the demands, as well as their severity.

“The demands of donald trump took us all by surprise,” said Irish PM Michael Martin. “Didn’t they cancel that show during covid? I mean I’ve seen it on at the airport, but that has to be reruns, for pity’s sake. And why Bono? Why us?”

But the administration continues to stand by the president, and

(Washington DC) As trade wars are unleashed around the world, the leadership of various countries are choosing from a host of options in response. Counter-tariffs against agricultural and export products in regions of the Country With a Tiny Penis so-called “Red States,” which strongly support Country With a Tiny Penis president trump are one option, others of which include increased energy pricing, support of local products instead of those made in the Country With a Tiny Penis, and cancelling of large contracts with Country With a Tiny Penis-based manufacturers.

Shaming, although rarely used in trade disputes, has often been seen as more of a Country With a Tiny Penis tactic, with ideas such a Freedom Fries being popular during the first Iraq War. But the EU leadership, faced with unanswerable demands from Country With a Tiny Penis president trump, feel that a wide range of tactic should be employed to deal with the problem, and have implemented a requirement changing all software a

(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida.

“We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.”

Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of

(Washington, DC) As the current administration enters month three, an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid” has swept through American journalism. Even satirical articles face an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid.”

“It’s clear American media has run out of words to describe the policies of the trump presidency,” reports BBC in today’s news. “While everything coming out is alarming, or stupid, you can’t just say those words over and over… people tune out. It’s like trying to talk to fish about water.”

This conundrum has led some journalists to consult lexicons for more superfluous verbiage. But the use of synonyms has been found to drive off American readers, who often read at a middle school level.

“I ain’t never seen a lexicon,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler from rural Oklahoma, “although I do remember it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.”

(Washington DC) As the government continues to purge employees, one bright spot is appearing in the forming picture; Americans are re-filing their taxes with an additional 65 million dependents added to 2024 tax returns. The IRS, having laid off 6,700 employees, says they “are struggling” to keep up with the changes, as people across the country are amending or adjusting their initial tax filing, adding children, spouses, friends, relatives, plants, and even their favorite inanimate objects as dependents to their tax forms.

Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Wibson, Missouri, is delighted by the new freedoms afforded by a weakened IRS. “Bessie is a special heifer… she deserves a deduction. In fact, every cow in this herd behind me is on my return now. I don’t even own them.”

Sturbgetter is not the only American taking advantage. Some former IRS employees are uniting to attempt to mutually claim all 6,699 fellow colleagues as dependents. When asked if this is legal, one former emplo

(San Francisco, CA) As the US Government is slowly collapsed in the pursuit of government efficiency, other competitors in the coin space are also reaching out to tap into this new, unexplored area of blockchain profitability. LiteCoin, a smaller, blockchain-based token that touts itself as equivalent to BitCoin or DogeCoin, has opened the “Legislative Inefficiency Termination Executive,” or LITE, as an alternative means to reduce government function under the guise of cost saving and efficiency.

Their office, based in Washington DC and opening next week, will seek to also reduce government waste and spending, while also acting like a government agency. “We plan to show up places and demand information, and then make sudden, reckless actions that create headlines, and hopefully help our coin price,” said one LiteCoin enthusiast over Skype. “We plan to innovate exactly like the larger agency, just not as well… just like in the original coin space.”

When asked how this would improve t

(Washington DC) As the trump administration continues - to the cheers of republicans and the dismay of Americans - to dismantle the government bureaucracy and insult nations around the world, news has surfaced of a bright moment that should unify the nation in acceptance. Marc Fogle, an American school teacher held in russia over possession of a small amount of medical marijuana, has been held for three year in russian jails; however, direct talks between trump and russian president vladimir putin quickly led to the release of Fogle, who enjoyed a tearful embrace with his family this week. Americans on both sides, however, are not sure how to react.

“I don’t see how this hurts democrats,” said Doug Crabler, a Columbus, Ohio temporary assembly line hire. “Sure his family is happy, but what if one of them voted for Harris? Also, what did we trade for, no one is talking about that?”

“Yeah, this seems like a distraction from DOGE getting rid of them useless government employees,” said on

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s suga

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re

(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.

“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”

At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with

(Washington D.C.) After two weeks of the new presidential administration, the country and the world have seen tremendous change. The US has cut off most aid, begun laying off government workers, and installing choices many call questionable into key cabinet positions. But as the snowballing consequences begin hurtling towards us for these choices, republicans remain delighted they’re happening.

“I bet them deep state spies are quaking in their boots,” said Erma Kruntz, as she nervously waited by her mailbox for her medicare check. “I’m tired of paying for so many people to sit around and make my money, not that I pay taxes, and this efficiency thing is gonna fix that.”

Kruntz, whose benefit check may be delayed by government confusion over furloughs, is not the only one cheering trump’s changes. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in North Carolina, shares similar thoughts. “We send money all over the world, while people are starving here in America. We need to take that money and use

(Internet) It has been another eventful day, as yet another disastrous event unfolded in the trump presidential administration. And as reporting outlets consolidate and coverage wanes, Americans are finding only vague coverage of the latest outrage or policy, and this leaves them as disheartened as the events themselves.

This act or policy has left many wondering what the next outrageous act or policy will be. “It feels like each one is the worst,” said one person affected, “but we know, somehow, this will be overshadowed by the next one.”

Editors are as tired as the people affected, as well. “We can only hope this article can be run again, with minimal editing,” said one editor. “This administration keeps creating these terrible events, so that we barely have time to respond. Only by creating a generalized article that seems to cover each individual event, but is really just a vague hand-wave towards it, can we hope to meet our reporting mandate with a meager budget.

Republicans, h

(Washington D.C.) As cabinet and staff positions are filled in the new administration, emphasis is being taken to highlight how representative of America this cabinet is. But less emphasis has been given of late: the White House has been facing recent allegations that - while the major advisors do represent the diversity of America - the cabinet and staff might represent the wrong parts of America, and this realization is slowly settling on the largely, some would say mostly, white straight male truck owning voters that make up the core of the president’s support.

“Did I hear one of them is gay,” asked Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Oklahoma. “I’m pretty sure someone said one of them was gay. I already got a lot of guys I know talking about how trump said they was gay, and buying up Bud Light like it was on sale, so I don’t like hearin’ about that gay guy.”

Sturbgetter refers to Richard Grinell, the experienced former acting director of the Department of National Intellig

As trump completes his second week in office, new outlets continue to report on his bungled handling of a collision between a passenger jet and military Black Hawk. And this has America’s adversaries around the world nervous.

“I have to be missing someone we paid off,” said one Iranian official on condition of anonymity. “Do we have a speech guy, or a teleprompter guy? Do we need to send a bribe payment there?” The negative response from his staff left him disheartened. “Can we anyway,” he asked. “I’m getting a medal for this.”

This sentiment is reflected throughout America’s competitors around the globe, as intelligence agencies scramble to find out who they owe money for this flaming train wreck of ineptitude. A mid-level Chinese intelligence officer expressed his frustration. “They cut off all government grants,” he complained. “All of them. I have American researchers calling the Chinese government with papers ready to publish asking for funding.”

“I went to school for ten years

(Washington, DC) It has been a lightning 10 days for the trump administration, as policy changes are rippling through government with a clear mandate to end what republicans view as preferential treatment of gays, transexuals, and minorities. And as these measures play out, a large number of shocked conservatives are finding that these measures, intended to hurt the groups they fear, are having immediate effects on them and their families.

“I’m 32, I work out every day, I have a wife and 3 kids,” said one midwestern man. “I drive a truck, and that tattoo right there is on installments. But I was employed 8 months at a federal job, and now I’m looking to be furloughed if not straight out fired. We were supposed to be hurting the gays. Am I gay? Is president trump telling me I’m gay? I’m confused, man.”

This confusion is becoming widespread, as virile men and strong women around the US come to terms with the challenging fact that policies they felt would hurt these specific groups are

(Washington DC) As trump enters the second week of office, issuing executive orders en masse that caused sweeping changes to the political landscape, republican leaders are becoming concerned that fear among their electorate is approaching lows not seen in four years. Lawmakers are apprehensive, as push button issues appear to be addressed by gross overreaches of power, greatly reducing the anxiety of republican voters.

“Last week,” said one aide who asked not to be named, “you could say DEI or immigrant drug pedophile, and have a turkey elected as governor of a red state. Now, although nothing has really changed, it appears to have changed… which is the worse thing we could possibly face.”

“I think we won,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Arkansas. “All that DEI is gone, trump said so. It even snowed last week. Take that, global warming.”

Signs of weakening in the power of fear are apparent in state politics, as Ron DeSantis faced pushback from his immigrant c

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefit

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger int