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Well, so yesterday night i had tthe "luck" of getting to feel what depersonalisation and derealisation (DPDR) actually feels like.

I got woken up in the middle of the night to do something quite short and i almost instantly realise "Something aint right. Everything feels weird". And then slowly I realised, what it was that I felt. It felt like I was watching someone control my body. If I wanted to lift my arm Icould "feel" felt how my brain sended the command to my body execute, and suddenly my arm moved. I felt like my true self was a few centimeters below my skin, waiting to get released from its fleshy vehicle. Everything i touched felt like i touched it with a quite big glove on. If I walked i felt like watching a stream of my body moving while sitting somewhere else with a VR Headset. Luckyly it faded away quite fast, after I was finished with what I had to do (it took 5 Minutes at max) and laid back in an attempt to sleep (which of course didnt work that well, since my mind was

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Do I see myself at all?

Why's this beard so thick and vast
In my image that you cast?
Why's there so much body hair?
And the breasts that I should bear?
And these arms so far from slender?
Where's the sight of my true gender?

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
What I've seen has made me crawl.

All I wish you'd show to me
Is the woman I can't see.
Not the fairest of them all,
For whom anyone would fall,
Nor a pretty one, indeed.
Just a woman's all I plead.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
I can't blame you, after all.
You're a physical device
Meant to show what's in their eyes.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.
You can't hear me as I call.
But I'll ask you anyway:
Will you show myself one day?

-- Lady Scarecrow

So I became fairly recent aware and confident enough to accept my inner self being a woman instead of a man, like my body. All of my friends are super affirming and supportive, and I totally love them for having them!

But thats the good side of it all. There is the bad side as well.

Just randomly, during a quite boring company online meeting, I scrolled through some toots, listend to some music and to their presentation, I got such a severe anxiety attack. I don't know why, or what I could do. I was just bawling my eyes out. All those negative emotions of just being different, that there are groups in our society that dont accept us or even worse attack us hit me all at once.

It was utterly horrible. I sat there in my chair for atleast 10 minutes, unable to do anything but cry and destroy my mind.

Then I got a smidge of courage and joined my friends (who also happen to be colleagues from the same team) discords voice chat. Just expressing that I'm fricking awful and telling them ab